First things first
This article actually predates the three previous posts I’ve made recently – After I Die, Life Lessons: Learning to be Teachable, and The Dream is Over. This is really the process I’ve been through over the past months as I’ve tried to figure some things out. I’ve been writing this particular article since January 2024 but didn’t want to publish until I was satisfied with what I was trying to communicate. Due to the nature of the subject, I decided I would not publish until I came to a reasonable and, more importantly, a God-honoring conclusion to my questions and feelings.
Before I get to the subject of the title, I ask you please read the entire article before commenting. This one is long, somewhat raw, but honest. Many of my articles deal with the process I go through in life. While it may look like one thing when an article begins, if you read to the end I hope you see that the end is usually better than the beginning.
I have a wonderful wife and family. I love Beth with every fiber of my being. We met in the fall semester (2000) at Capital Bible Seminary in the class Hebrew Grammar I. Each morning I would enter the seminary building to her joyful “Good morning!” I would acknowledge her with a short “hi” and go off to study with my 7-11 coffee in hand. One morning I stopped to ask her a question. Little did I know then what a simple question about Hebrew syntax one early morning would turn into. She is more wonderful than I can describe. I don’t deserve her. I love her more than I can express. She is my heartbeat…our kids are pretty awesome too. I’m very content and happy with the family God has given me.
But recently I’ve been wrestling with the feelings of being stuck. I feel stuck in every facet of life right now. Stuck in work, stuck in my dissertation, stuck in spiritual things, stuck in non-spiritual things…geez, everything just feels stuck right now. And has felt stuck for a good bit.
That can be a frustrating feeling. It doesn’t matter where you’re stuck – in a job, in ministry (or out of ministry), or in a place where you’re not satisfied with what you’re doing – being stuck is a helpless feeling. If you think about your stuck position long enough, it gets downright depressing.
Sometimes I look around and see others doing exactly what I thought I would be doing after graduating Seminary 20 years ago. I start to think, “What if …?” But I need to stop asking that question. It’s easy to start the “What if…” game, but playing that game is dangerous too. It can make me feel so unsatisfied, so frustrated.
But I ask the “what if” questions anyway…how dumb is that? Will I ever learn…
I have a desire to be a Pastor again. But the chances of that happening linger somewhere between slim and none. And that breaks my heart. I so want to do that work again. I could live without the nonsense I endured before. But I’ve come to realize that area of ministry is probably closed to me. So here I am – stuck up to my axles in mud and no way out. I don’t blame anyone for my feeling of being stuck. It’s my fault. I drove into the mud. I watched as the mud enveloped me up to my axles.
Feeling Stuck
Have you ever felt like you’re stuck in life? I mean sunk-to-your-axles-in-mud stuck! Ever felt that way? Maybe you know the way to get out of it but for reasons outside your control you simply cannot pursue it. You’re stuck and there is really nothing you can do about it.
I have worked the field of Metrology (measurement science) since 1983. That’s 41 years…and counting. That many years in one field is certainly a long time. There was a time I enjoyed my work. But that time of enjoying measurement science is gone. The company I work for is great and there are plenty of great colleagues there. But I don’t want to do this any longer. There was a time where working in Metrology and doing ministry stuff was great – I’ve been committed to bi-vocational ministry since before I entered seminary. But now I hate it. I feel I’ve been imprisoned by my own convictions. The prison is made of mud and I’m stuck.
Stuck in spiritual things and my service to God
I’m about to finish my Ph.D. in Theological Studies. I should feel excited but I actually feel discouraged. What will I do with that Ph.D.? Will I do more with it than I have with my MDiv in Pastoral Studies? Or maybe more than what I did with my B.S. in Church Ministries?
The way things are going it doesn’t look like I will do more – or even as much as what I’ve done with my other degrees. Maybe I can get a job teaching a college or university course online. But that isn’t what I want to do.
I don’t want to try to do something for God – what could I do for the creator of the universe? Yeah, nothing. But I want to do something that impacts lives in a permanent way. And, for whatever reason, I don’t think I’m doing that right now. I just feel stuck.
Stuck financially
We just can’t seem to get ahead. We aren’t bankrupt or anything like that but, man, the stress involved in making enough to make ends meet these days is rough. Maybe this will change one day, I’m not sure. Taking care of a family of 14 is a heavy lift. Of course, we are not alone with these financial frustrations, but still. I really don’t want this struggle anymore.
Feeling stuck and the Sovereignty of God
I’ve tried to reconcile my feeling stuck status with the sovereignty of God. I’m what I term a “Sovereignty of God” oriented Christian. I believe that God is sovereign over all, in all, and through all. Nothing happens to me except that it is His will for me. He is not mostly sovereign, or kind of sovereign. He is absolutely sovereign, I am not. I am accountable for my decisions and my actions. I’m not sure how His sovereignty and my responsibility work together, but they do.
As I wrestled with this contradiction, a couple os questions came to my mind. These questions seem obvious now but somehow, I missed them before. Maybe I was too focused on being stuck to see them. The obvious questions are…
“Am I really stuck?” “Have I been planted by God somewhere I may not want to be and/or stay?”
Yikes, that is a different issue.
Maybe I’m asking the wrong questions. Maybe asking “What if” is OK if I frame the questions correctly.
Different “What if” Questions
What if…
God has chosen to plant me where I am today?
God has a unique role for me to play in His story?
God has gifted me specifically for this role?
God has chosen me not to conform to an expectation
BUT to the likeness of Christ and, for me, that doesn’t include fulfilling my dreams?
Well, if God is doing these things, why do I feel stuck?
Do I have an answer? Is there an answer?
How about this answer: “Feeling stuck is the symptom of a rebellious heart of a proud man”?
Ouch. I don’t like that answer. But it is the truth.
Realizing, admitting, and embracing that truth changed some things. Actually, it changed everything. I came to understand things in a better way. A more honest way. And hopefully a more God-honoring way.
I’m Broken but not destroyed
God’s purpose is not to make me happy – His purpose is to bring glory to Himself. I play a role in His plan to glorify Himself, and whatever role that is should be enough for me. But when I am focused on my dreams, my aspirations, or my expectations, I will fail to recognize His working in my life. And I will become disillusioned, discouraged, and dissatisfied. I may be broken but I need to remind myself that God is the One breaking me not my circumstances. And yes, that distinction makes a difference.
So what’s next?
When I teach on eschatology, I always tell folks that we should never worry about the timing of the rapture or the end of tis age. What we need to be is ready for whenever that moment comes. Well, the same is true for my life.
I need to accept that perhaps God has decided that my time as a Pastor has ended. My prospects of teaching at a brick and mortar University or Seminary once my Ph.D. is completed is looking bleak as well. I’ll be 61 when I finish and schools typically desire younger guys teaching. If I had oodles of experience and was 61 then that would probably be ok. But trying to get hired as a professor for my first time at 61 doesn’t look great.
My first two options are seemingly not viable. So now what? I have some ideas of what I could do and have begun the process of working toward those things. If that is where God wants me it will take a while to get there. But if He doesn’t want me there, I don’t want to be there.
What is God doing to me…in me?
What is God doing to me, in me, and in my life? I don’t have an answer to that question. What I see around me are the many pieces of my broken heart and my broken life. Shattered dreams, haunting memories, questions abound…But I don’t want to ask “Why?” anymore. I don’t want to ask “what if?” anymore. I simply look around and see the many scraps of my shattered dreams, dashed hopes, unfulfilled expectations., and try to cope.
But I’m reminded of His sovereignty. And because of His sovereignty, I’ve come to embrace my broken heart. Because of His sovereignty, I’ve come to embrace my brokenness. Because of His sovereignty, I’ve come to embrace that my dreams are shattered and won’t come true. Because of His sovereignty, I’ve come to embrace that God’s plan for is not what I wanted – and I know that is a good thing.
I’m where I need to be
I’ve come to the point of total surrender…not just mostly surrendered, or kind of surrendered. I’ve come to the place of complete and utter surrender. Maybe you’ve been there for a while and I’m late to the party. I’ve always held out hope that my dreams would somehow come true…but not anymore. I cannot hang onto my dreams and must embrace His plan – whatever it is – for me.
The place of total surrender is an uncomfortable place to be. It is filled with uncertainty. My past life still haunts me. My present life is resting on the grace of God. My future is not so clear to me. I do know that God has predestined me to be conformed to the image of His Son. The path I am taking is nothing like what my dreams were. It doesn’t look like many others have taken since graduating so many years ago. This path is uncomfortable.
I don’t necessarily like being here. I don’t like admitting I’m broken. I don’t like admitting I’m weak. But the truth is, I am a weak, broken man.
I have nothing to offer other than what God is fashioning me to be. This process of sanctification – being conformed to the likeness of His Son – hurts. I don’t like this place of total surrender. But here I am.
Exactly where I need to be.
The Bald Theologian 